Detox

How is it that the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves is to temporarily (and hopefully temporarily) expose ourselves to a plethora of toxicity?

Yes, really. Toxic and greatest gift in the same sentence. I am referring to detox. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, what have you. The purging introduces so many foul toxins that you can feel so sick in every conceivable way.

I guess it is easy for me to wanna talk or think about detox. For years I have always been fascinated by additions, regardless of the addiction. It is truly fascinating how powerful addictions are, both in their capacity to destroy and in the capacity of selective humans with addictions to recover. By recovery, I mean a stable, authentic recovery. These are recoveries that make those addicts leaders and mentors. Indeed, the recovering addicts say the detox was the most painful thing that they went through but also the best thing that they did for themselves.

It is truly remarkable how easy it was to gradually acquire the habit, the toxic habits, the toxic way of thinking which can leave a person's lives torn at the seams, a fabric of life torn to shreads. It doesn't even have to be the most destructive of addictions, heroin, cocaine, meth, opiates, anorexia, bulimia, the list goes on and on.

Sometimes the most destructive addictions allow us to not realize other addictions not as intense because the drama is not as present. These addictions aren't flourescent, but they are still toxic to be the person. What of the addiction to fear, of self hatred, of not being able to trust, really any toxic emotion or feeling that brings us down as people, that prevents us from being what we can be?

I went to a seminar from Dani Johnson, a self made millionairess. Among the many things that I learned, it was that 98% of the population will be dead or dead broke by 65. 2% will flourish and prosper. Many of us stay in the 98% because we are full of fear and don't want to make that transition.

One of the things that I have discovered is that detox is what separates those two populations. The people who will transition from that 98% and be in that 2% will undergo detox. They have to look at all the pain in their lives, how it caused them to do what they did and how they treated that pain in a way that didn't allow them to grow. They hide their pain in television shows, in partying, in drinking, in one night stands, in never committing to anybody, whatever it is...it's still destructive.

Detox in this content means opening yourself to failures of your past and forgiving yourself for them. You have to accept yourself for your failures and draw courage from God inside of you to fight back. There is so much toxicity and hurt that has to come out in order to do that. You cannot accept being the person you once were, immersed in your own selfish and unhealthy escapes.

Indeed, detox is the most painful, with its explosions of toxins, and yet in the long distance ahead, with persistance, courage and in the infalliable presence of the father, the son and the holy spirit, the intercession of Mary, now at the end of our death, it can be the greatest thing we can do for ourselves.

Late night reflections

I've been busy...yes, employed! That's a great reason to have skipped out on blogging. I am going to be making another trip to KC because the Mass scrutinies for the catechumens are so important. It's worth the inconvenience, the gas money, the interruption in "days off" to go. There will only be one time that I will have this special moment, this initiation into where I truly belong, as a convert to Roman Catholicism. Laura Ingraham once said she just felt it. Yup, so do I.

There is still stuff from my car I need to take back into my apartment. I still haven't done that. I also need to gather up all my tax papers to get my taxes done tomorrow. I have always been late with that for as long as I can remember. Without exception, I have always filed my taxes the first or second week of April. I still don't know why. I expect a return and well, it was always my money. Of course, who is the government to not pay back on the interest they had on it the whole time? Of course, I digress.

It's been exciting. Scary, uprooting, at times mildly painful, but never uneventful.

I hate mornings. I hate forcing my rested body to jolt itself, mentally and physically, from the bliss of a soft bed. I will have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive back to Kansas City. I love the drive, but again, I hate the initial waking up. It sucks. The morning light looks unkindly to the opening eyes of an owl, especially without some sort of caffeine or similar stimulant.

Ah, well time to grow up and so what grown ups do--which is things we don't want to do.

Is there a surplus?

Before I begin, I would like to thank and acknowledge--first and foremost--Jesus Christ for his intervention in getting me a job. I also acknowledge the intervention of St. Jude as well.

Everyday I thank God for my job. Then I get to thinking...there is just a surplus of pharmacists. Period. How did I, of all people, get a job? Truly a gift from above.

Way too many pharmacy schools are opening up. I feel so sorry for the 60-100 new grads every year that put their blood, sweat, tears, burnouts and loans into a degree that gives them no job prospects. Sure, more female pharmacists who worked part-time are going full time and it is harder for more older pharmacists to retire. I know that the economy is playing a role in the matter.

However, with all the grads being pumped out every year (especially in some metro areas where there are like 5-6), the retirement of pharmacists in the near future when the economy gets better will not help. The surplus will remain.

I will confess however that my new job has got me totally motivated. I want to do geriatrics (great for the Catholic pharmacists who hate birth control pills), certified diabetes education, smoking cessation, cholesterol, OTC stuff...yeah, baby. Maybe the surplus motivated that in me. Whatever it is, I will stick to it.

I pray that this new job will answer my deepest prayers put forth from lots of rosary beads, Hail Marys, chaplets, novenas and intercessory prayer. And I hardly miss Kansas City...actually, I the fresh start in Wichita is more refreshing that I realize at times.

Next step...my Catholic mate. Where art thou?

What to do

So far the week has started off well. I got an extra shift of work Wednesday from 10:30 to 7. I also got off work today at 1:30, which gave me some time to just chill and get some stuff done.

Nothing sounds better than taking a nap, waking up and reading a good book. I might even enjoy cleaning up the place (maybe)!

Sorrowful Mysteries

Father, let this suffering pass from me;
yet not my will but yours be done.
May you be blessed forever.
Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.
With you I am nailed to the cross.
Let my pains be mingled with yours
for the saving of the world.
Holy Spirit, comforter and consoler,
heal what is ill in me,
strengthen what is weak,
sweeten what is sour or cranky.
Save me from depression and self-pity;
renew my courage;
bring me to pray with Jesus on the cross:
Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.

Amen.

I came across this lovely prayer and it got me to thinking about the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. Of all the mysteries, I feel that the sorrowful ones can be the most therapeutic in times of pain because "With you I am nailed to the cross. Let my pains be mingled with yours for the saving of the world."

It's a wonderful kind of purging. When we are mingled with his pain, then that is where the opportunity to heal lies, "heal what is ill in me, strengthen what is weak, sweeten what is sour or cranky. Save me from depression and self-pity; renew my courage."

Advent of Confirmation

I will be baptized this year! I will officially be a member of the Catholic church. I was always meant to be a Catholic, I realize that now. I look at the little girls in their uniforms at the school adjacent to the church with such joy. As a convert Catholic (as opposed to a cradle Catholic), I find myself mentally taking in my Catholic faith with the maturity of a adult and my soul absorbing it with the acceptance that a pious little Catholic girl would, the same ones I saw as I would go to adoration.

Sometimes I am glad that found my place at this time. I don't take anything for granted. I am proud of my conversion. I carry inside of me a little parochial school girl who deeply loves Jesus and Our Lady, one who no doubt would have been the altar girl who prayed her rosary everyday. I also a carry an adult who has acquired hard earned knowledge that just may be wisdom. She too has absorbed the Catholic faith.

There is so much I need to resolve inside of me, including how my relation with God fits into all of this. I have, sadly, put my wants and desires over his will of late. I have been doing the terribly wrong thing of asking God to answer me instead of going to him and finding answers. It's a tough process doing it God's way and I struggle with it. However, I am comforted by the fact that I have a deep and profound love for the Eucharist, for the aspects of the Catholic faith that bring me closer to my creator and the healing I find the rosary.

If there is one thing that can help me heal from 2010, it will be my Catholic faith and the love I pump into it.

Laura Ingraham is one of my favorite political commentators. She, too, is a convert. I can also tell that, like me, she feels that deep love and pride in her Catholic faith same I have felt. On her website she sells the 4 way medal (which she always wears herself and the proceeds go to Little Sisters of the Poor). I can't wait to start wearing mine once I have received Confirmation.

My 4-way cross, of course, will say "I'm Catholic-please call a priest." It's like a Catholic version of a medical bracelet!

bye, bye, bye

2010: Bye!

You were horrible to me. You were filled with heartbreaking disappointment, demoralizing rejection and, overall, a shaken up world. I wish I could leave you forever, but that won't happen anytime soon. You will be carried with me until I can discover my purpose (by God and from God) in this world and am comfortable with what I do in my own skin.

I hear a lot about optimism for 2011. I'm not so sure a year following what I went through will compensate for much. I think what it will take a lot longer for me to resolve them.