I am actually amazed that I have only felt sick once this year. I mean, it's been a rough year for me. Usually when I am this stressed out I tend to get a lot of upper respiratory tract infections. Stress does a fantastic job of weakening the immune system (and a louse diet along with it!).
I have awful congestion and have a hoarse everytime I speak. My body aches all over, too. My throat feels sore and the last thing that I want to do is drink water, but I know that that is the best thing to do.
I got to thinking about how much worse things could be. I could be homeless, or if not that, a home with no insulation, electricity, gas, water, food and a pending eviction or foreclosure. There could be conditions far worse than just an uncomfortable cold. What about raging sickle cell anemia? Or severe GI bleeding? Cancer? Diabetes, hypertension? How many people are dealing with some or all of the above scenarios?
I felt guilty when I bought my meds and kleenex. I am certainly no better than those with worse circumstances, so why should I still have a home and reasonably decent health? I was very grateful to have a moment when I could rest in my own home and convalesce. The best part was the fact that I got some egg nog (I <3 EGG NOG!!) to wash down my meds and vitamins with!
I have a feeling that sooner than later changes in my life will be cataclysmal, and I am glad to have some rest until that time comes.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
St. Jude's Novena-Day 9
DAY NINE
O holy Saint Jude,
apostle and martyr,
grant that we may so dispose our lives
that we may always be pleasing to God.
In working out our salvation in this life
we have many needs and necessities.
Today we turn to you, asking you to intercede for us
and obtain for us the favors we ask of God.
Especially do we petition for request.
May we not so much seek temporal good but rather
what will avail our souls, knowing that it will profit us nothing
if we gain the whole world yet suffer the loss of our soul.
Therefore, may we incline ourselves toward the divine will,
seeing God's good and gracious purpose in all our trials. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude,faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of.
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me
that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation and
help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
enduring the rejection from a very rough job market, being valued for the employee that I could be and be offered a job
- and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God
and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
St. Jude's Novena-Day 8
DAY EIGHT
O holy Saint Jude,
apostle of Christ,
pray that we may ever imitate the Divine Master
and live according to His will.
May we cooperate with the grace of God and
ever remain pleasing in His sight.
Especially do we ask you to plead for us
and obtain whatsoever is necessary for our salvation.
Forget not our special petitions request.
May we always be thankful to God for the blessings we have received in the past.
Whatsoever we ask for the present or future,
we submit to the divine will,
realizing that God knows best what is good for us.
We know He will respond to our prayers and petitions in one way or another. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us…… My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude,faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of.
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me
that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation and
help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
the impossible obstacle of getting a job in a market where I am easily tossed out compared to much more marketable candidates
- and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God
and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Catch-22
How do you acquire the skills and experience necessary for professional growth when you have no opportunity for a job that would allow that? How can you do something different in your field when you are not properly trained?
These are the hardest challenges I have known right now. I have never tried so hard and failed so badly. I have never felt so overwhelmed and in a situation so out of my control. I now more easily imagine how much harder it is for people in my situation with families. An unemployed single mom struggling for work and paying bills all while keeping a roof over her head is far more understandable to me now.
We pharmacists were ridiculously spoiled. We could set our hours, argue for higher pay and get any job we wanted around the street corner. Employers were at our mercy. Recruiters chased after us like we were the salt of earth, cooing and begging for us to even consider the jobs they posted. We could work part time and still have all the perks. We were so dancing in the big time.
That is a mirage now. That is effectively null and void today. Even skilled pharmacists can't find work (yeah, I know). The level of saturation going on supersaturation scares me.
I still haven't lost my ambition or desire. I don't believe that I shouldn't still keep trying because there was no reason for me to be in this profession if it wasn't for God's inexhaustible grace. I just am so beside myself that there are no opportunities for people like me. The only opportunities are for the people that have completed their journey and have already acquired all the skills necessary to be cherry picked. There does not seem to be much room for a journey, a journey in which you are learning skills from a new job.
When will things ever let up I wonder? I pray for God to take me where I can be of most use, and it doesn't seem like I am being taken anywhere at the moment. Yet there has never been a time in my life when somehow, someway I managed to survive.
These are the hardest challenges I have known right now. I have never tried so hard and failed so badly. I have never felt so overwhelmed and in a situation so out of my control. I now more easily imagine how much harder it is for people in my situation with families. An unemployed single mom struggling for work and paying bills all while keeping a roof over her head is far more understandable to me now.
We pharmacists were ridiculously spoiled. We could set our hours, argue for higher pay and get any job we wanted around the street corner. Employers were at our mercy. Recruiters chased after us like we were the salt of earth, cooing and begging for us to even consider the jobs they posted. We could work part time and still have all the perks. We were so dancing in the big time.
That is a mirage now. That is effectively null and void today. Even skilled pharmacists can't find work (yeah, I know). The level of saturation going on supersaturation scares me.
I still haven't lost my ambition or desire. I don't believe that I shouldn't still keep trying because there was no reason for me to be in this profession if it wasn't for God's inexhaustible grace. I just am so beside myself that there are no opportunities for people like me. The only opportunities are for the people that have completed their journey and have already acquired all the skills necessary to be cherry picked. There does not seem to be much room for a journey, a journey in which you are learning skills from a new job.
When will things ever let up I wonder? I pray for God to take me where I can be of most use, and it doesn't seem like I am being taken anywhere at the moment. Yet there has never been a time in my life when somehow, someway I managed to survive.
St. Jude's Novena-Day 7
DAY SEVEN
O holy apostle Saint Jude, in whose honor we are gathered today, may we never forget that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ chose you to be one of twelve apostles. Because of this and of the martyrdom you suffered for the Faith, we know you are a close friend of Almighty God. Therefore we do not hesitate to petition you in our necessities, especially request. We humbly submit ourselves to the will of God, knowing full well that no sincere prayer is ever left unanswered. May we see god's good and gracious purpose working in all our trials. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us……. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude,faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of.
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me
that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation and
help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
the near impossible task of getting a job in a market where there are no jobs and unemployment, for me as well as others, fully reigns
- and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God
and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen
Monday, November 15, 2010
St. Jude's Novena-Day 6
DAY SIX
St. Jude, apostle of Christ and helper in despairing cases, hear the prayers and petitions of those who are gathered together in your honor. In all our needs and desires may we only seek what is pleasing to God and what is best for our salvation. These, our petitions request we submit to you, asking you to obtain them for us, if they are for the good of our souls. We are resigned to God's holy will in all things, knowing that he will leave no sincere prayer unanswered in some way though it may be in a way unexpected by us. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us….. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -
being selected for a job despite the odds against me; being selected because they can value me the way you value me, O my Jesus
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
St. Jude's Novena-Day 5
O holy St. Jude,
apostle and companion of Christ Jesus,
you have shown us by example
how to live a life of zeal and devotion
We humbly entreat you today to hear our prayers and petitions.
Especially do we ask you to obtain for us the following favor request.
Grant that in praying for present and future favors
we may not forget the innumerable ones granted in the past
but often return to give thanks.
Humbly we resign ourselves to God's holy will,
knowing that he alone knows what is best for us
especially in our present needs and necessities. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us…… My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -
getting a job when all hope is gone and no odds are in my favor
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Bleak weather
It's a Saturday morning, mid-November in Kansas City. Some years the weather has been bleaker, some years there was still some sunshine left to reflect on the gorgeous hues of the fall leaves. This year is seems to be something in the middle, not the most bleak but not the best, either.
Even though there are fall leaves scattered all over the yard, there is no sun to reflect anything. It is gray bleak weather, with its accomplice--rain--wailing on the leaves, the pavement, on life in general. It reflects the misery I feel inside. Indeed, life is not sunshine, at least not long enough. I have lite a candle and am keeping it beside me, in an attempt to not forget the light of God. Like candles are lite in Church, I also lite this candle for a special prayer request. I suppose lighting the candle is really important to me because it assures me that I haven't completely succumbed to the darkness before me, that I still have some glimmer of faith in the tiny bit of light that flickers from a small candle.
While sadness descends on me, I am even sadder as I think of all the homeless in Kansas City. I have a home, food, drink, even heat (for now, anyway). I visualize the people on skid row, their shoes torn (if they even have shoes), hungry in ways we have never known because we usually know when we will our next meal. I see how the warm cars pass them by, dismissing those in wretched poverty as pariahs and freakshows (a feeling that I myself have felt many times). Lord, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
They may get a cot. They may not. They may be able to hide in a bathroom or they may get caught. They may be able to get food, they may not. They may be an addict, they may not be.
They may just be like the average person, trying their best just to eek out a living. They could have been that person who tried and tried and tried to find a job but had every door slammed in their face (yup, I relate). They could have been that person that didn't expect handouts from the government but simply needed them to survive. What they wanted more was a job. Nobody would give them that. However, what they don't have in any shortage is rejection, slander and judgment (yup, know that too).
As I stare into the small light of the candle next to me, the small radius of light which it emits, I think about all the homeless in this cold weather right now. Homelessness just touches the surface. What about the ones with children, with AIDs, with diabetes? The list is endless and it goes on and on....
Even though there are fall leaves scattered all over the yard, there is no sun to reflect anything. It is gray bleak weather, with its accomplice--rain--wailing on the leaves, the pavement, on life in general. It reflects the misery I feel inside. Indeed, life is not sunshine, at least not long enough. I have lite a candle and am keeping it beside me, in an attempt to not forget the light of God. Like candles are lite in Church, I also lite this candle for a special prayer request. I suppose lighting the candle is really important to me because it assures me that I haven't completely succumbed to the darkness before me, that I still have some glimmer of faith in the tiny bit of light that flickers from a small candle.
While sadness descends on me, I am even sadder as I think of all the homeless in Kansas City. I have a home, food, drink, even heat (for now, anyway). I visualize the people on skid row, their shoes torn (if they even have shoes), hungry in ways we have never known because we usually know when we will our next meal. I see how the warm cars pass them by, dismissing those in wretched poverty as pariahs and freakshows (a feeling that I myself have felt many times). Lord, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
They may get a cot. They may not. They may be able to hide in a bathroom or they may get caught. They may be able to get food, they may not. They may be an addict, they may not be.
They may just be like the average person, trying their best just to eek out a living. They could have been that person who tried and tried and tried to find a job but had every door slammed in their face (yup, I relate). They could have been that person that didn't expect handouts from the government but simply needed them to survive. What they wanted more was a job. Nobody would give them that. However, what they don't have in any shortage is rejection, slander and judgment (yup, know that too).
As I stare into the small light of the candle next to me, the small radius of light which it emits, I think about all the homeless in this cold weather right now. Homelessness just touches the surface. What about the ones with children, with AIDs, with diabetes? The list is endless and it goes on and on....
St. Jude's Novena-Day 4
DAY FOUR
Saint blessed Jude,
you were called to be one of Christ's chosen apostles and
labored to bring men to a knowledge and love of God;
listen with compassion to those
gathered together
to honor you
and ask your intercession.
In this troubled world of ours we have
many trials, difficulties, and temptations.
Plead for us in the Heavenly court,
asking that our petitions may be answered,
especially the particular one we have in mind at this moment request.
May it please God to answer our prayers in the way that he knows best,
giving us grace to see his purpose in all things. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us….. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -
getting a job in a very rough job market when all odds are stacked against me -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Oh, dear God, o my Jesus, I need you to listen, I need you to answer. I cannot rely on anything else other than you. Please answer me.
Saint blessed Jude,
you were called to be one of Christ's chosen apostles and
labored to bring men to a knowledge and love of God;
listen with compassion to those
gathered together
to honor you
and ask your intercession.
In this troubled world of ours we have
many trials, difficulties, and temptations.
Plead for us in the Heavenly court,
asking that our petitions may be answered,
especially the particular one we have in mind at this moment request.
May it please God to answer our prayers in the way that he knows best,
giving us grace to see his purpose in all things. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us….. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -
getting a job in a very rough job market when all odds are stacked against me -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Oh, dear God, o my Jesus, I need you to listen, I need you to answer. I cannot rely on anything else other than you. Please answer me.
Friday, November 12, 2010
St. Jude's Novena-Day 3
DAY THREE
O holy St. Jude, apostle of Jesus Christ, you who have so faithfully and devotedly helped to spread his Gospel of Light, we who are gathered together today in your honor, ask and petition you to remember us and our needs. Especially do we pray for request. May it also please our Lord to lend an ear to your supplications in our behalf. Grant that we may ever pray with fervor and devotion, resigning ourselves humbly to the divine will, seeing God's purpose in all our trials and knowing that he will leave no sincere prayer unanswered in some way. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us…….. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly - getting a job in this rough, rough economy -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Oh my Jesus, I seek mercy, I need you to listen, I need you to answer. Please help me now and in the hour of my death. Please carry me and walk me through.
O holy St. Jude, apostle of Jesus Christ, you who have so faithfully and devotedly helped to spread his Gospel of Light, we who are gathered together today in your honor, ask and petition you to remember us and our needs. Especially do we pray for request. May it also please our Lord to lend an ear to your supplications in our behalf. Grant that we may ever pray with fervor and devotion, resigning ourselves humbly to the divine will, seeing God's purpose in all our trials and knowing that he will leave no sincere prayer unanswered in some way. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us…….. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help
where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need that
I may receive the consolation and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly - getting a job in this rough, rough economy -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude,
to be ever mindful of this great favor
granted me by God and to always honor you as
my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
Oh my Jesus, I seek mercy, I need you to listen, I need you to answer. Please help me now and in the hour of my death. Please carry me and walk me through.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Held Lyrics-Natalie Grant
My English teacher from high school, Jayne Pynes, told me about this song. Far from just being a literature teacher, she gave me confidence to be able to articulate myself. She showed me that I knew how to write. Those are the kind of teachers we need more of, those are the kind that can radically improve a teen's education. Bless you, Mrs. Pynes.
Held lyrics
Songwriters: Wells, Christa;
Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
*************************************************************************************
Hmmm...what my thoughts at this point? I can't think of anything. I am still trying to comprehend what she is trying to tell me. I need to be a in better state of mind to give a critique at this point.
Held lyrics
Songwriters: Wells, Christa;
Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
*************************************************************************************
Hmmm...what my thoughts at this point? I can't think of anything. I am still trying to comprehend what she is trying to tell me. I need to be a in better state of mind to give a critique at this point.
Learning about St. Jude
Poor guy...guilty by association...his name sounds too much like Judas Ischariot, who betrayed Our Lord and despaired because of his great sin and lack of trust in God's mercy.
Anyhow, St. Jude, known as Thaddaeus, was a brother of St. James the Less, and a relative of Our Saviour (a distant cousin). St. Jude was one of the 12 Apostles of Jesus (one of the stars that surrounds Mary's Miraculous Medal, is the way I like to visualize it).
Ancient writers tell us that he preached the Gospel in Judea, Samaria, Idumaea, Syria, Mesopotamia, and Lybia. According to Eusebius, he returned to Jerusalem in the year 62, and assisted at the election of his brother, St. Simeon, as Bishop of Jerusalem.
Jude was the one who asked Jesus at the Last Supper why He would not manifest Himself to the whole world after His resurrection. Little else is known of his life. Legend claims that he visited Beirut and Edessa; possibly martyred with St. Simon in Persia.
Jude is invoked in desperate situations because his New Testament letter stresses that the faithful should persevere in the environment of harsh, difficult circumstances, just as their forefathers had done before them. Therefore, he is the patron saint of desperate cases and his feast day is October 28 (I misssed it, darn it).
He is an author of an epistle (letter) to the Churches of the East, particularly the Jewish converts, directed against the heresies of the Simonians, Nicolaites, and Gnostics. This Apostle is said to have suffered martyrdom in Armenia, which was then subject to Persia. The final conversion of the Armenian nation to Christianity did not take place until the third century of our era.
Anyhow, St. Jude, known as Thaddaeus, was a brother of St. James the Less, and a relative of Our Saviour (a distant cousin). St. Jude was one of the 12 Apostles of Jesus (one of the stars that surrounds Mary's Miraculous Medal, is the way I like to visualize it).
Ancient writers tell us that he preached the Gospel in Judea, Samaria, Idumaea, Syria, Mesopotamia, and Lybia. According to Eusebius, he returned to Jerusalem in the year 62, and assisted at the election of his brother, St. Simeon, as Bishop of Jerusalem.
Jude was the one who asked Jesus at the Last Supper why He would not manifest Himself to the whole world after His resurrection. Little else is known of his life. Legend claims that he visited Beirut and Edessa; possibly martyred with St. Simon in Persia.
Jude is invoked in desperate situations because his New Testament letter stresses that the faithful should persevere in the environment of harsh, difficult circumstances, just as their forefathers had done before them. Therefore, he is the patron saint of desperate cases and his feast day is October 28 (I misssed it, darn it).
He is an author of an epistle (letter) to the Churches of the East, particularly the Jewish converts, directed against the heresies of the Simonians, Nicolaites, and Gnostics. This Apostle is said to have suffered martyrdom in Armenia, which was then subject to Persia. The final conversion of the Armenian nation to Christianity did not take place until the third century of our era.
St. Jude's Novena-Day 2
DAY TWO
O blessed apostle Jude, who has been instrumental in gathering us here together this day, grant that we may always serve Jesus Christ as he deserves to be served, giving of our best efforts in living as he wishes us to live. May we dispose our hearts and minds that god will always be inclined to listen to our prayers and petitions, especially those petitions which we entrust to your care and for which we as you to plead for us request. Grant that we may be enlightened as to what is best for us, in the present and future, not forgetting the blessings we have received in the past. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us……. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude,
faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me
that He bring visible and speedy
help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation
and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -finding a pharmacists job -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, 3 Glory Be
O blessed apostle Jude, who has been instrumental in gathering us here together this day, grant that we may always serve Jesus Christ as he deserves to be served, giving of our best efforts in living as he wishes us to live. May we dispose our hearts and minds that god will always be inclined to listen to our prayers and petitions, especially those petitions which we entrust to your care and for which we as you to plead for us request. Grant that we may be enlightened as to what is best for us, in the present and future, not forgetting the blessings we have received in the past. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us……. My Jesus, mercy.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude,
faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases,
of things almost despaired of,
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me
that He bring visible and speedy
help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation
and help of heaven
in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings,
particularly -finding a pharmacists job -
and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, 3 Glory Be
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Amber on Teen Mom
I love watching the show on MTV called Teen Mom. It is a story about 4 girls who had babies far too young and are growing into women very quickly. I, as well as others who love to watch the show, are inspired by the courage of these girls, Maci, Catelynn, Farrah and Amber.
Maci and Catelynn are the most lovable ones, I think. Maci is so mature and responsible while Catelynn is strong, selfless and courageous to put her baby up for adoption. Farrah, too, is becoming such a devoted mom, so strong.
A lot of people think Amber is plain nuts and a totally unfit mother. She is definitely the least popular of the four for the obvious reasons of verbally bashing and beating her daughter's father in front of her daughter and just in general being whiny and unmotivated.
I will admit Amber is hardly my favorite either but I can certainly understand the anger she has inside of her. I can understand how her depression and insecurity make it hard for her to want to achieve her goal of getting a GED. I can feel somebody who has a really low self esteem, which hurts everybody around her--not just her.
As somebody who has dealt with depression since I was 13, I can tell she has clinical depression and anxiety. As a pharmacist, I can usually tell before you come to the counter what you are being prescribed for it, too. I could tell she was getting downers, namely, benzos (xanax, Klonipin, Ativan or the like). I worry about her getting hooked on them.
I am disgusted by her behavior and it is harder to feel bad for that person when a small child is involved. Regardless, I can't help but see a really troubled woman. I hope she can find it somewhere inside of her to find peace inside of her for her daughter's sake.
My solace in God took away so much anger that I had inside of me. It made me peaceful in ways I never thought I could be. It made me mature in ways that people who knew me before I found God wouldn't even know that was who I was. I am nothing like I was in my early twenties. I wish I could have been the same person then because I would be so much more ahead in my career. I wish I knew better. I see children raised in church and get communion and my hearts aches for a childhood such as that. :(
I hope Amber sees that can be her, too. She will regret her past same I as do, but the path she will have created will make it easier for her not too look back quite as much. I pray for her and her family. They will need to get through a lot.
Maci and Catelynn are the most lovable ones, I think. Maci is so mature and responsible while Catelynn is strong, selfless and courageous to put her baby up for adoption. Farrah, too, is becoming such a devoted mom, so strong.
A lot of people think Amber is plain nuts and a totally unfit mother. She is definitely the least popular of the four for the obvious reasons of verbally bashing and beating her daughter's father in front of her daughter and just in general being whiny and unmotivated.
I will admit Amber is hardly my favorite either but I can certainly understand the anger she has inside of her. I can understand how her depression and insecurity make it hard for her to want to achieve her goal of getting a GED. I can feel somebody who has a really low self esteem, which hurts everybody around her--not just her.
As somebody who has dealt with depression since I was 13, I can tell she has clinical depression and anxiety. As a pharmacist, I can usually tell before you come to the counter what you are being prescribed for it, too. I could tell she was getting downers, namely, benzos (xanax, Klonipin, Ativan or the like). I worry about her getting hooked on them.
I am disgusted by her behavior and it is harder to feel bad for that person when a small child is involved. Regardless, I can't help but see a really troubled woman. I hope she can find it somewhere inside of her to find peace inside of her for her daughter's sake.
My solace in God took away so much anger that I had inside of me. It made me peaceful in ways I never thought I could be. It made me mature in ways that people who knew me before I found God wouldn't even know that was who I was. I am nothing like I was in my early twenties. I wish I could have been the same person then because I would be so much more ahead in my career. I wish I knew better. I see children raised in church and get communion and my hearts aches for a childhood such as that. :(
I hope Amber sees that can be her, too. She will regret her past same I as do, but the path she will have created will make it easier for her not too look back quite as much. I pray for her and her family. They will need to get through a lot.
St. Jude's Novena-Day 1
DAY ONE
O blessed apostle St. Jude, who labored zealously among the Gentiles in many lands, and performed numerous miracles in needy and despairing cases, we invoke you to take special interest in us and our needs. We feel that you understand us in a particular way. Hear our prayers and our petitions and plead for us in all our necessities especially request. May we be patient in learning God's holy will and courageous in carrying it out. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us….. My Jesus, mercy.
Prayer #1
O Holy St Jude!
Apostle and Martyr,
great in virtue and rich in miracles,
near kinsman of Jesus Christ,
faithful intercessor for all who invoke you,
special patron in time of need;
to you I have recourse from the depth of my heart,
and humbly beg you,
to whom God has given such great power,
to come to my assistance;
help me now in my urgent need and grant my earnest petition.
I will never forget thy graces and favors you obtain for me
and I will do my utmost to spread devotion to you.Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us and all who honor thee and invoke thy aid.
(Say 3 Our Father's, 3 Hail Mary’s, and 3 Glory Be’s after this.)
Prayer #2:
Oh glorious apostle St. Jude,
faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the name of the traitor who delivered thy beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused thee to be forgotten by many,
but the Church honors and invokes thee universally as the patron of hopeless cases--of things despaired of.
Pray for me who am so miserable;
make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded thee of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly:
in securing a job
and that I may bless God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor thee as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to thee. Amen
O blessed apostle St. Jude, who labored zealously among the Gentiles in many lands, and performed numerous miracles in needy and despairing cases, we invoke you to take special interest in us and our needs. We feel that you understand us in a particular way. Hear our prayers and our petitions and plead for us in all our necessities especially request. May we be patient in learning God's holy will and courageous in carrying it out. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us….. My Jesus, mercy.
Prayer #1
O Holy St Jude!
Apostle and Martyr,
great in virtue and rich in miracles,
near kinsman of Jesus Christ,
faithful intercessor for all who invoke you,
special patron in time of need;
to you I have recourse from the depth of my heart,
and humbly beg you,
to whom God has given such great power,
to come to my assistance;
help me now in my urgent need and grant my earnest petition.
I will never forget thy graces and favors you obtain for me
and I will do my utmost to spread devotion to you.Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us and all who honor thee and invoke thy aid.
(Say 3 Our Father's, 3 Hail Mary’s, and 3 Glory Be’s after this.)
Prayer #2:
Oh glorious apostle St. Jude,
faithful servant and friend of Jesus,
the name of the traitor who delivered thy beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused thee to be forgotten by many,
but the Church honors and invokes thee universally as the patron of hopeless cases--of things despaired of.
Pray for me who am so miserable;
make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded thee of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of.
Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly:
in securing a job
and that I may bless God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor thee as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to thee. Amen
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Just another day...
I woke up this morning and slept as much as I wanted and needed to. I am used to it, far more than I care to be. I am used to waking up when I have to because of work, but nobody wants to hire me. I am never late to a job either and I get up real early to make sure I am always on time. But nobody wants me to work for them.
I am flooded with anger and jealously, two cardinal sins no doubt. I am angry to not have a job, I am angry for never being picked and I am jealous when other pharmacists have a job. I am left bruised. It's as if all the other employed pharmacists are in the audience and I am in the boxing ring, getting punched time and time again with another rejection. I must be a freak show. Employers have a very easy time just throwing out my resume.
Kyrie eleison.
Times will be bad and times will be good. I have had good times in the last four years and it has only been the last year that I have felt this louse about myself. All the failures and rejections I felt in 2005, my year of five lifetimes, has all flooded back to me.
I am reminded that even though I had a great job, it wasn't something that made me happy. I mean, work isn't meant to be a back rub. But there is something to be said for finding a job that you have a passion for the actual task at hand. The politics will never leave, difficult people will never leave but if you love the fundamental task at hand, you won't lose who you are just to do this job.
I am forced to search for a job that fits me more than me fitting a job and shaving and cutting off parts of who I am just to do it. It downright feels louse, this journey. The journey only feels worse when you see others with the outcome in their hand. How then, is the journey worth anything?
Ah, in my complaining and bitterness, God, have mercy on me. For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on me, a sinner, and on the whole world (including the losers who won't hire me).
I am flooded with anger and jealously, two cardinal sins no doubt. I am angry to not have a job, I am angry for never being picked and I am jealous when other pharmacists have a job. I am left bruised. It's as if all the other employed pharmacists are in the audience and I am in the boxing ring, getting punched time and time again with another rejection. I must be a freak show. Employers have a very easy time just throwing out my resume.
Kyrie eleison.
Times will be bad and times will be good. I have had good times in the last four years and it has only been the last year that I have felt this louse about myself. All the failures and rejections I felt in 2005, my year of five lifetimes, has all flooded back to me.
I am reminded that even though I had a great job, it wasn't something that made me happy. I mean, work isn't meant to be a back rub. But there is something to be said for finding a job that you have a passion for the actual task at hand. The politics will never leave, difficult people will never leave but if you love the fundamental task at hand, you won't lose who you are just to do this job.
I am forced to search for a job that fits me more than me fitting a job and shaving and cutting off parts of who I am just to do it. It downright feels louse, this journey. The journey only feels worse when you see others with the outcome in their hand. How then, is the journey worth anything?
Ah, in my complaining and bitterness, God, have mercy on me. For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on me, a sinner, and on the whole world (including the losers who won't hire me).
Monday, November 8, 2010
Project Kengikat
Kengikat is a beautiful human being. His humanity brings tears to my eyes. He is choke full of substance. Actually, he loaded with more substance than the richest meal you will ever eat (which he probably cooked!).
He has a kengikat channel on youtube. He also has a blog which I would highly recommend called www.dosomethingsaturday.org
To touch the surface on this man, he is HIV positive, has sickle cell anemia, was homeless for 29 months and after 90 some interviews finally found a job. To learn more about this remarkable man, check him out!
He is also one of the most sensitive, thoughtful, humane person I have seen. He inspires me to drudge onward. More importantly, he reminds of why I am meant to be an HIV pharmacy specialist. There is such an openess, such a humanity when somebody is infected with the virus. How could I not want to be apart of that? That would constantly give me fire to do whatever I would have to do to advance in my career (which sucks since I can't find a job).
When I wallow and whine, cry and bawl, feel worthless and that I deserve this
(which in many ways I do), I read his blogs and feel better. In my heart, I feel that I can blog with that depth of emotion so that I may affect another's life. I somehow feel a little better knowing that maybe, just maybe, the intense discouragement I am experiencing and have experienced will have some purpose someday, and most importantly, in conjunction with my career.
Kengi somehow makes my deep feelings of discouragement not so bitter to swallow, like the apple cider vinegar that I drink on an irregular basis to help with the terrible breakouts I have been getting lately. Stress induced acne? Absolutely!
It is easy, way to easy, to be discouraged for the fact that I feel that I have it worse than others. Alluding to a previous blog, I can still feel that I am in the ring getting punched while there was an audience, who may root for you or may boo you out.
Kengi doesn't make me feel that way. He arouses my sensitivity of character, which softens me. This softening prevents the hardening inside of me. Anything to prevent hardening is good because getting hard inside steals away your hope.
Ah, another day tomorrow.
He has a kengikat channel on youtube. He also has a blog which I would highly recommend called www.dosomethingsaturday.org
To touch the surface on this man, he is HIV positive, has sickle cell anemia, was homeless for 29 months and after 90 some interviews finally found a job. To learn more about this remarkable man, check him out!
He is also one of the most sensitive, thoughtful, humane person I have seen. He inspires me to drudge onward. More importantly, he reminds of why I am meant to be an HIV pharmacy specialist. There is such an openess, such a humanity when somebody is infected with the virus. How could I not want to be apart of that? That would constantly give me fire to do whatever I would have to do to advance in my career (which sucks since I can't find a job).
When I wallow and whine, cry and bawl, feel worthless and that I deserve this
(which in many ways I do), I read his blogs and feel better. In my heart, I feel that I can blog with that depth of emotion so that I may affect another's life. I somehow feel a little better knowing that maybe, just maybe, the intense discouragement I am experiencing and have experienced will have some purpose someday, and most importantly, in conjunction with my career.
Kengi somehow makes my deep feelings of discouragement not so bitter to swallow, like the apple cider vinegar that I drink on an irregular basis to help with the terrible breakouts I have been getting lately. Stress induced acne? Absolutely!
It is easy, way to easy, to be discouraged for the fact that I feel that I have it worse than others. Alluding to a previous blog, I can still feel that I am in the ring getting punched while there was an audience, who may root for you or may boo you out.
Kengi doesn't make me feel that way. He arouses my sensitivity of character, which softens me. This softening prevents the hardening inside of me. Anything to prevent hardening is good because getting hard inside steals away your hope.
Ah, another day tomorrow.
Heroin
I have always been blessed, beyond my capacity to understand, that I have been spared the cloud of addiction. When you are an addict, you are controlled by it and that control ruins your entire life. When you are sober, you always have the cloud because relapse can come at any time. It's easy to be sober, what's hard is staying sober.
Partly as a pharmacist and partly as somebody who is fascinated by addictions, the most important thing that I have learned is that there is no self medicating like crack, meth, heroin, alcohol or the like (which do include prescription drugs, benzos, opiates, etc). It's fast and quick and incredibly effective, far more than an SSRI like Prozac.
When I see or hear of an addict, that I ask myself is this: What pain were you treating? What could you not accept about yourself that you needed the drugs to accept yourself more? What's your story, you poor soul?
For those people who simply look at the addict and leave no room in your heart, mind and soul for the story, the world could do without you. I hope less and less of you exist. Judge not lest ye be judged. This is not to say that addicts are easily to love or understand, but a just superficial look only? No...not acceptable to me.
Even though I have no personal experience with withdrawals, sensitivities or cravings, what I can understand is the total lack of control drug addicts feel in their lives. I mean, they feel hopeless and worthless because they cannot control themselves. In that capacity to relate, I give them my compassion and hope.
Attached is the URL to a website which describes a very tragic story of the suicide of a heroin addict...
What especially breaks my heart is that a psalm, which brings me so much comfort, was twisted. How truly devastating that the soul and heart and mind were so shattered, so demonized, that there was no room for solace in God. Even the most faithful people, the strongest of believers, the most passionate of the saints, had moments of confusion, distance from God in the midst of their suffering, but this girl had it on a whole new level.
I pray in my heart that nobody would ever feel that distant from God.
http://www.1timothy4-13.com/files/chr_vik/king.html
THE following account appeared some time ago in Ann Landers column. It is a heartbreaker, entitled, "King Heroin Is My Shepherd, I Shall Always Want." These tragic words were part of a twisted rewording of the beloved 23rd Psalm, found in a car with the body of a 23-year old young woman, near Reidsville, N.C. Her death was ruled a suicide from a hookup with the car's exhaust pipe. The note read:
"King Heroin is my shepherd, I shall always want. He maketh me to lie down in the gutters."
"He leadeth me beside the troubled waters. He destroyeth my soul. He leadeth me in the paths of wickedness."
"Yea, I shall walk through the valley of poverty and will fear no evil for thou, Heroin, art with me."
"Thy needle and thy capsule comfort me."
"Thou strippest the table of groceries in the presence of my family."
"Thou robbest my head of reason. My cup of sorrow runneth over."
"Surely heroin addiction shall stalk me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the damned forever."
Also found in the car with the dead woman was this message:
"Jail didn't cure me. Nor did hospitalization help me for long. The doctor told my family it would have been better, and indeed kinder, if the person who got me hooked on dope had taken a gun and blown my brains out. And I wish to God he had."
Partly as a pharmacist and partly as somebody who is fascinated by addictions, the most important thing that I have learned is that there is no self medicating like crack, meth, heroin, alcohol or the like (which do include prescription drugs, benzos, opiates, etc). It's fast and quick and incredibly effective, far more than an SSRI like Prozac.
When I see or hear of an addict, that I ask myself is this: What pain were you treating? What could you not accept about yourself that you needed the drugs to accept yourself more? What's your story, you poor soul?
For those people who simply look at the addict and leave no room in your heart, mind and soul for the story, the world could do without you. I hope less and less of you exist. Judge not lest ye be judged. This is not to say that addicts are easily to love or understand, but a just superficial look only? No...not acceptable to me.
Even though I have no personal experience with withdrawals, sensitivities or cravings, what I can understand is the total lack of control drug addicts feel in their lives. I mean, they feel hopeless and worthless because they cannot control themselves. In that capacity to relate, I give them my compassion and hope.
Attached is the URL to a website which describes a very tragic story of the suicide of a heroin addict...
What especially breaks my heart is that a psalm, which brings me so much comfort, was twisted. How truly devastating that the soul and heart and mind were so shattered, so demonized, that there was no room for solace in God. Even the most faithful people, the strongest of believers, the most passionate of the saints, had moments of confusion, distance from God in the midst of their suffering, but this girl had it on a whole new level.
I pray in my heart that nobody would ever feel that distant from God.
http://www.1timothy4-13.com/files/chr_vik/king.html
THE following account appeared some time ago in Ann Landers column. It is a heartbreaker, entitled, "King Heroin Is My Shepherd, I Shall Always Want." These tragic words were part of a twisted rewording of the beloved 23rd Psalm, found in a car with the body of a 23-year old young woman, near Reidsville, N.C. Her death was ruled a suicide from a hookup with the car's exhaust pipe. The note read:
"King Heroin is my shepherd, I shall always want. He maketh me to lie down in the gutters."
"He leadeth me beside the troubled waters. He destroyeth my soul. He leadeth me in the paths of wickedness."
"Yea, I shall walk through the valley of poverty and will fear no evil for thou, Heroin, art with me."
"Thy needle and thy capsule comfort me."
"Thou strippest the table of groceries in the presence of my family."
"Thou robbest my head of reason. My cup of sorrow runneth over."
"Surely heroin addiction shall stalk me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the damned forever."
Also found in the car with the dead woman was this message:
"Jail didn't cure me. Nor did hospitalization help me for long. The doctor told my family it would have been better, and indeed kinder, if the person who got me hooked on dope had taken a gun and blown my brains out. And I wish to God he had."
HIV/AIDS pharmacist
...I have always dreamt of being an HIV+ pharmacist since I was in pharmacy school. Unfortunately, an opportunity to do that in Kansas City, where I already have a family and home, was not meant to be. The hiring manager seemed to have very little passion of her own for this population and I probably wouldn't have been happy working with somebody like that.
Dreams are intimidating for so many reasons. We are intimidated by the rejection we will face in pursuing them, for sure. God knows I have experienced that (and we always feel it is worse for us than anybody else). We may have failures in the past that will relentlessly pollute our minds with doubt and fear, which overpowers everything. We become void of self confidence because if we couldn't do that then, why should we now? If others in a position you wished yourself to be in said to you that you were no good and incapable (again, something I am very familiar with), then what evidence is there to fall back on for proof that you can do it? What belief can you draw from inside you that tells you you can despite what others say, especially those who have done it before? You are essentially arguing a case with no proof. That is what it feels like.
I have long wondered what I truly want to do in my pharmacy career, which was given and maintained solely by the grace of a most merciful God. So many times I have tried to do what I thought others said was more noble, superior. I have given it thought and I think I know what I want. I want to be a HIV pharmacy specialist, one who is an expert on HAART and the surrounding internal medicine issues that accompany them. I would want to educate nurses, doctors and pharmacists on HAART. I would want to improve the pill burden and the drug interactions that patients have. I could counsel them all day. I would want to work with ADAP programs on formulary issues because I am blessed to have abilities in drug information.
It's not a mild desire, either. It's strong. Real strong. Strong like my Catholic faith (definitely been challenged by adversity lately). Strong enough, I believe, that I will never grow weary with my job because I will never lose my passion for it. It is strong enough that I believe it is stronger than:
* The strength of the blow of defeat for yet another common rejection
* The strength of my own self doubts and desire to give up
* The strength of my own lack of confidence
I remember the last Rocky (Rocky Balboa, the sixth one I think, yeah, who can really keep up with all the Rockys and Rambos?) when he tells his son:
"The World aint all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty world and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you down to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and still move forward, how much you can take and still move forward. That's how winning is done.
Now if you know what your worth, go out and get what you are worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because of him, or her or anybody. Cowards do that, and that aint you!"
Yup, the whole world is a nasty place. Vile. Sickening. I have been beaten. I am still on the ground at this point. I have been punched in the face and I am still trying to recover from my wounds as I am crawling to the cutman, hoping to get some reassurance. To further this analogy, I feel punched in the face next to others around me who are safe and happy in the audience, watching my defeat but not really having any part in comprehending it. Their faces don't have the punches of defeat like mine do.
**Maybe this is why I desire to work for this population so much...because they bear the same and worse punches every day of their life**
Winning is done by still moving forward after all the life has been beaten out of you, the prime evidence from your broken face gushing forth blood. Rocky--any real fighter--won because they still kept getting beat and they moved forward.
I have to be willing to take the hits and not just the hits, but accepting the hits while there are bystanders who will never get hit the way I will because they are not in the ring. Many may not be in the ring because they never had to fight to get their success or they are cold and gave up.
These bystanders might be the ones to tell me that I am indeed no good. I have failed many times and will continue to be judged, slandered and rejected because I am a pariah lately in a rough job market, but I know these certain facts:
* I can do drug information. I can analyze clinical trials, write and articulate myself well. I could do formulary management.
* I can make patients comfortable around me. I have an ability to connect with patients.
* I was not the dumbest pharmacy student. I was definitely one of the most immature ones, but there were preceptors who could actually see somebody with a pulse and brain who knew her stuff. I have to extract that as best as I possibly can...
I will have to uproot my life to get what I want because the this area has no room for me. That won't be easy, but it won't be impossible either. Thankfully, I don't have a husband or child (the only time and reason I would ever say that) to make moving harder.
Like the yummy John Cena would say, "You can't see me...my time is NOW!"
In this journey I take, eternal Father, kyrie eleison. Increase your mercy in me so that I may not grow weary and become despondent.
Dreams are intimidating for so many reasons. We are intimidated by the rejection we will face in pursuing them, for sure. God knows I have experienced that (and we always feel it is worse for us than anybody else). We may have failures in the past that will relentlessly pollute our minds with doubt and fear, which overpowers everything. We become void of self confidence because if we couldn't do that then, why should we now? If others in a position you wished yourself to be in said to you that you were no good and incapable (again, something I am very familiar with), then what evidence is there to fall back on for proof that you can do it? What belief can you draw from inside you that tells you you can despite what others say, especially those who have done it before? You are essentially arguing a case with no proof. That is what it feels like.
I have long wondered what I truly want to do in my pharmacy career, which was given and maintained solely by the grace of a most merciful God. So many times I have tried to do what I thought others said was more noble, superior. I have given it thought and I think I know what I want. I want to be a HIV pharmacy specialist, one who is an expert on HAART and the surrounding internal medicine issues that accompany them. I would want to educate nurses, doctors and pharmacists on HAART. I would want to improve the pill burden and the drug interactions that patients have. I could counsel them all day. I would want to work with ADAP programs on formulary issues because I am blessed to have abilities in drug information.
It's not a mild desire, either. It's strong. Real strong. Strong like my Catholic faith (definitely been challenged by adversity lately). Strong enough, I believe, that I will never grow weary with my job because I will never lose my passion for it. It is strong enough that I believe it is stronger than:
* The strength of the blow of defeat for yet another common rejection
* The strength of my own self doubts and desire to give up
* The strength of my own lack of confidence
I remember the last Rocky (Rocky Balboa, the sixth one I think, yeah, who can really keep up with all the Rockys and Rambos?) when he tells his son:
"The World aint all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty world and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you down to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and still move forward, how much you can take and still move forward. That's how winning is done.
Now if you know what your worth, go out and get what you are worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because of him, or her or anybody. Cowards do that, and that aint you!"
Yup, the whole world is a nasty place. Vile. Sickening. I have been beaten. I am still on the ground at this point. I have been punched in the face and I am still trying to recover from my wounds as I am crawling to the cutman, hoping to get some reassurance. To further this analogy, I feel punched in the face next to others around me who are safe and happy in the audience, watching my defeat but not really having any part in comprehending it. Their faces don't have the punches of defeat like mine do.
**Maybe this is why I desire to work for this population so much...because they bear the same and worse punches every day of their life**
Winning is done by still moving forward after all the life has been beaten out of you, the prime evidence from your broken face gushing forth blood. Rocky--any real fighter--won because they still kept getting beat and they moved forward.
I have to be willing to take the hits and not just the hits, but accepting the hits while there are bystanders who will never get hit the way I will because they are not in the ring. Many may not be in the ring because they never had to fight to get their success or they are cold and gave up.
These bystanders might be the ones to tell me that I am indeed no good. I have failed many times and will continue to be judged, slandered and rejected because I am a pariah lately in a rough job market, but I know these certain facts:
* I can do drug information. I can analyze clinical trials, write and articulate myself well. I could do formulary management.
* I can make patients comfortable around me. I have an ability to connect with patients.
* I was not the dumbest pharmacy student. I was definitely one of the most immature ones, but there were preceptors who could actually see somebody with a pulse and brain who knew her stuff. I have to extract that as best as I possibly can...
I will have to uproot my life to get what I want because the this area has no room for me. That won't be easy, but it won't be impossible either. Thankfully, I don't have a husband or child (the only time and reason I would ever say that) to make moving harder.
Like the yummy John Cena would say, "You can't see me...my time is NOW!"
In this journey I take, eternal Father, kyrie eleison. Increase your mercy in me so that I may not grow weary and become despondent.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Emotional eater
I am baking a chocolate cake with all plans to not care that I am going to eat it. Even though I made it healthy, it is still wrong for me to eat like this. I am depressed, discouraged, miserable and often times hopeless. Instead, I will eat my pain away because I don't care if it causes me to gain weight or not...
It's not just the endorphins when you eat that continues to allow for emotional eating, it is also the fact that you usually so depressed that you just don't care...
It's not just the endorphins when you eat that continues to allow for emotional eating, it is also the fact that you usually so depressed that you just don't care...
The Chaplet of the Divine Mercy
This is my favorite prayer ever, and we Catholics have an awesome prayer library!
The Chaplet of The Divine Mercy
How to Recite the Chaplet
The Chaplet of Mercy is recited using ordinary rosary beads of five decades. The Chaplet is preceded by two opening prayers from the Diary of Saint Faustina and followed by a closing prayer.
1. Make the Sign of the Cross
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
2. Optional Opening Prayers
You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. O Fount of Life, unfathomable Divine Mercy, envelop the whole world and empty Yourself out upon us.
O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!
3. Our Father
Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.
4. Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.
5. The Apostle's Creed
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified; died, and was buried. He descended into Hell; the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into Heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.
6. The Eternal Father
Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
7. On the Ten Small Beads of Each Decade
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
8. Repeat for the remaining decades
Saying the "Eternal Father" (6) on the "Our Father" bead and then 10 "For the sake of His sorrowful Passion" (7) on the following "Hail Mary" beads.
9. Conclude with Holy God (Repeat three times)
Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
10. Optional Closing Prayer
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
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