...I have always dreamt of being an HIV+ pharmacist since I was in pharmacy school. Unfortunately, an opportunity to do that in Kansas City, where I already have a family and home, was not meant to be. The hiring manager seemed to have very little passion of her own for this population and I probably wouldn't have been happy working with somebody like that.
Dreams are intimidating for so many reasons. We are intimidated by the rejection we will face in pursuing them, for sure. God knows I have experienced that (and we always feel it is worse for us than anybody else). We may have failures in the past that will relentlessly pollute our minds with doubt and fear, which overpowers everything. We become void of self confidence because if we couldn't do that then, why should we now? If others in a position you wished yourself to be in said to you that you were no good and incapable (again, something I am very familiar with), then what evidence is there to fall back on for proof that you can do it? What belief can you draw from inside you that tells you you can despite what others say, especially those who have done it before? You are essentially arguing a case with no proof. That is what it feels like.
I have long wondered what I truly want to do in my pharmacy career, which was given and maintained solely by the grace of a most merciful God. So many times I have tried to do what I thought others said was more noble, superior. I have given it thought and I think I know what I want. I want to be a HIV pharmacy specialist, one who is an expert on HAART and the surrounding internal medicine issues that accompany them. I would want to educate nurses, doctors and pharmacists on HAART. I would want to improve the pill burden and the drug interactions that patients have. I could counsel them all day. I would want to work with ADAP programs on formulary issues because I am blessed to have abilities in drug information.
It's not a mild desire, either. It's strong. Real strong. Strong like my Catholic faith (definitely been challenged by adversity lately). Strong enough, I believe, that I will never grow weary with my job because I will never lose my passion for it. It is strong enough that I believe it is stronger than:
* The strength of the blow of defeat for yet another common rejection
* The strength of my own self doubts and desire to give up
* The strength of my own lack of confidence
I remember the last Rocky (Rocky Balboa, the sixth one I think, yeah, who can really keep up with all the Rockys and Rambos?) when he tells his son:
"The World aint all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty world and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you down to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and still move forward, how much you can take and still move forward. That's how winning is done.
Now if you know what your worth, go out and get what you are worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because of him, or her or anybody. Cowards do that, and that aint you!"
Yup, the whole world is a nasty place. Vile. Sickening. I have been beaten. I am still on the ground at this point. I have been punched in the face and I am still trying to recover from my wounds as I am crawling to the cutman, hoping to get some reassurance. To further this analogy, I feel punched in the face next to others around me who are safe and happy in the audience, watching my defeat but not really having any part in comprehending it. Their faces don't have the punches of defeat like mine do.
**Maybe this is why I desire to work for this population so much...because they bear the same and worse punches every day of their life**
Winning is done by still moving forward after all the life has been beaten out of you, the prime evidence from your broken face gushing forth blood. Rocky--any real fighter--won because they still kept getting beat and they moved forward.
I have to be willing to take the hits and not just the hits, but accepting the hits while there are bystanders who will never get hit the way I will because they are not in the ring. Many may not be in the ring because they never had to fight to get their success or they are cold and gave up.
These bystanders might be the ones to tell me that I am indeed no good. I have failed many times and will continue to be judged, slandered and rejected because I am a pariah lately in a rough job market, but I know these certain facts:
* I can do drug information. I can analyze clinical trials, write and articulate myself well. I could do formulary management.
* I can make patients comfortable around me. I have an ability to connect with patients.
* I was not the dumbest pharmacy student. I was definitely one of the most immature ones, but there were preceptors who could actually see somebody with a pulse and brain who knew her stuff. I have to extract that as best as I possibly can...
I will have to uproot my life to get what I want because the this area has no room for me. That won't be easy, but it won't be impossible either. Thankfully, I don't have a husband or child (the only time and reason I would ever say that) to make moving harder.
Like the yummy John Cena would say, "You can't see me...my time is NOW!"
In this journey I take, eternal Father, kyrie eleison. Increase your mercy in me so that I may not grow weary and become despondent.
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