I woke up this morning and slept as much as I wanted and needed to. I am used to it, far more than I care to be. I am used to waking up when I have to because of work, but nobody wants to hire me. I am never late to a job either and I get up real early to make sure I am always on time. But nobody wants me to work for them.
I am flooded with anger and jealously, two cardinal sins no doubt. I am angry to not have a job, I am angry for never being picked and I am jealous when other pharmacists have a job. I am left bruised. It's as if all the other employed pharmacists are in the audience and I am in the boxing ring, getting punched time and time again with another rejection. I must be a freak show. Employers have a very easy time just throwing out my resume.
Kyrie eleison.
Times will be bad and times will be good. I have had good times in the last four years and it has only been the last year that I have felt this louse about myself. All the failures and rejections I felt in 2005, my year of five lifetimes, has all flooded back to me.
I am reminded that even though I had a great job, it wasn't something that made me happy. I mean, work isn't meant to be a back rub. But there is something to be said for finding a job that you have a passion for the actual task at hand. The politics will never leave, difficult people will never leave but if you love the fundamental task at hand, you won't lose who you are just to do this job.
I am forced to search for a job that fits me more than me fitting a job and shaving and cutting off parts of who I am just to do it. It downright feels louse, this journey. The journey only feels worse when you see others with the outcome in their hand. How then, is the journey worth anything?
Ah, in my complaining and bitterness, God, have mercy on me. For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on me, a sinner, and on the whole world (including the losers who won't hire me).
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